tis spring, my friends, tis spring.
i don't know about all of you, but i've never considered this season to be such a blast. i have allergies and this is when i get it bad. plus, in california, the weather fluctuates from sun-tan weather to winter's companion in a day's time. seriously, it was my least favorite season.
this year proved to be different. when most people think spring, they envision the lovey-dovey thing; it's known as the "love season". as far as i was concerned, i never followed that, let alone acknowledge the very fact. however, the spring season of year 2003 seems as though it wanted to shout something at me. like it wanted to prove me wrong. well, in that case, it did.
love is everywhere (pardon the cliché). i am not joking. everyone is falling in love with everyone else. my best friend asked someone out today, my lil' kuya is seeking someone of his own, and i was fortunate enough to find a share, too. it's been a domino effect. i let it go, and there goes everyone and everything else... including the cliché. it's not a bad thing, though. everyone needs that kind of thing. i just found it odd that it came like a wave. everyone has their own little lovely bounce to their steps. i like that.
aside from the dated things, like due dates for college, homework that i haven't touched, and an overloaded schedule, everyone is happy in one way or another. it rubs off on you, seriously. you can't possibly think you can get away from a boisterous crowd without a smile. and that is, to say the least. sure not all things in life are commendable, but in any given situation, the good always have outdone the bad.so the little "butterflys-fluttering, bees-buzzing" season isn't as bad as i had imagined. i still find it intriguing that my least favorite season brought the best of news and joy.
for all the times i've counted the sorrows... now, let me count the pleasures.
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a great friday and saturday night! both were tiring, but i must say that they both rocked.
if you're a big fan of comedy, anger management might the choice of films. i saw this on friday. the nicholson-sandler duo is quite the combo. if you like adam sandler, hey: why not? besides, everyone can use a laugh every now and then... or everyday, as a matter of fact. today, i was able to hang out with my best friend. it's always a celebration when i have the chance to, because we rarely do. so that was cool. thanks for the laughs.
here's a poem by one of two favorite poets. (the other favorite is w.b. yeats.)
Enough
by Sarah Teasdale
It is enough for me by day
To walk the same bright earth with him;
Enough that over us by night
The same great roof of stars is dim.
I do not hope to bind the wind
Or set a fetter on the sea --
It is enough to feel his love
Blow by like music over me.
Spring makes its own statement, so loud and clear that the gardener seems to be only one of the instruments, not the composer. ~Geoffrey B. Charlesworth
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Wednesday, April 23, 2003
in correspondence to my brother's site, i would like to reply with a little something of my own.
treasure of the sea
in between breaths,
weaved among strokes,
my eyes soak up the tears that want to find
its home in the water.
restless storm may sabotage me,
strong winds could deviate me,
but i can always find my ground
if calm ripples embrace all around me.
dark nights haunted me,
you rescued me.
ruthless waves drowned me,
you saved me.
some way or another, i'm happy once all over again
and again, you've revived me.
madness possessed me,
you destroyed the nemesis.
hopes abandoned me,
you created more.
and with your presence i've surmounted
many an obstacle, too many a hurdle.
the day of departure, this i dread,
knowing i will have to seek new waters
and leave the acquainted behind.
how frigid the temperature,
how cruel the environment!
in this unaccustomed area,
will i still be able to manage a smile?
do i have the strength to swim on my own?
will happiness leave me once more?
ah, i am wrong yet again--
for still waters i leave, i find:
all waters are united,
two as one.
i will never leave you;
you will never leave me.
©2003 Mai Kozai
i love you, jay. i'm so blessed to have such a best friend.
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this is when it hits you that you actually are a senior. i don't have to show up at school until 10:30am, while underclassmen are taking a star 9 test. it's amazing how fast time goes by.
of course... that sleeping-in doesn't apply to ALL the seniors ALL the time. tomorrow, i'm going to show up for drumline zero period. i have this nudging telling me i should show face anyway. it doesn't matter; it's the fact of the matter.
anyway, topic in session: comfort. this has crossed my mind countless times in the past, but i haven't written about it in quite some time. today, finally, it hit me once more. i can write about this topic again. i smile with contentment knowing that i can type away and actually feel this way at the same time.
when i say 'comfort', i don't mean any physical state of being. it doesn't mean i'm comfortable lying on a bed, or that my clothes are comfy. i'm talking more about the intangible things, like being at ease talking to someone, or having silence soothe you. yesterday and today, the nothingness i heard in my ears actually relaxed me. it was a deafening silence, yes, but it comforted me nevertheless.
sometimes, the things you don't say matter most. i was with my friend the past two days, and we had what people call those "awkward pauses" in my car. i know what those feel like, and that's not what i felt. i didn't tell my friend, but it felt really nice. it's one of those things; you're too great of friends that you don't even notice those pauses anymore. instead, we savor the silence until it is broken again by a new topic eavesdropping by. i think it's really interesting. it's a well-rooted friendship when this happens. and i've had so many of these incidents in the past two or three days. i'm glad.
i don't want to call it a "level" of friendship, but it takes a while to reach that height. the foundation of the relationship has to be incredibly sturdy for this to occur. if you think about it, it happens in family matters all the time. when you're with someone so long and so often, you begin to understand what they're saying without hearing anything at all. when silence speaks like that-- that's when you know you are comfortable with a person, that you can trust them.
thanks for letting me spend a wonderful night at your beach house, by the way. it's been so long since the last visit. nothing has really changed; a couple more ocean critters and random decor... but the foundation's the same. it was really nice. memories, gurly. memories.
i feel a poem coming up... visit my other site soon.
and thank you... you know exactly who you are.
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this long week finally comes to an end, and it is a great ending, actually.
first, i'd like to thank a special someone for giving me another chance. i missed those "good times", and i know that we will be making more great memories together. i love ya, gurly. you know who you are.
second, i must point out that the musical went fantastíssimo. i'm making a huge shout-out now... to the cast members. jessica, what can i say? i'm left speechless. i marvel at your talent and admire your love for music. tyler-le, i'm so proud of your achievements! clarinets forever, always. jonathan, although we never had the opportunity to actually casually talk, i must say that your character was my favorite. you made the musical so much more entertaining. your passion is unparalled. stephen, i'm so glad i got to know you. you are not only an amazing actor, but also an incredible person. to everyone else who graced us with their presence on stage: amazing job. i cannot applaud you all enough. and of course, theactual "music" section: this is my last musical as a high school student. *"daddy" - you always succeed in making me laugh; i thank you for that. *andrea - your solo was great. *"teddy bear" - you will always be my clarinet buddy {{hugs}}! *evan - your bed head is still not messy enough! *will - go easy on the satanic deeds, will ya ;)? *scott - 10 sugar packets... still insufficient! *ryan - "mr.-band-directory". *kat - 17A and 22!! i told you: this was a HUGE shout-out.
aside from all this, today was a very strenuous day for my body. i was physically pushed to work. you can call it corporal punishment, incentive, whatever... i actually enjoyed it. drumline should be like that. discipline should be like that.
check time... 4:06am. and still going strong. i'm a night person.
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so spring break comes to an end... ah, the nightmares of early mornings fighting myself to get out of bed relives. so unfortunate.
during the seven days, i fluctuated between two choices. the cause for this indecision will remain unmentioned, however. anyway, it was rather difficult to concrete some kind of definitive out of something that never took any shape or form. why it took so long was probably because there were no facts, proofs, or anything to help me choose between the choices allocated for me. i think i know now.
instead of waiting, i've chosen to take the action myself. maybe not at this precise moment, but in the very near future. otherwise, the consequences will probably be very unfavorable. i guess you can say that all signs say 'go'. so i'm just obliging.
one thing i am really happy about is how much closer i got to people i thought i never would. when you're stuck in a situation you can't get out of, you start to make due with what you do have. that's what everyone did. and sometimes, although it sounds really superficial, it's a really good way to get to know people. i wouldn't have had it any other way. now, i know i'm going to have more opportunities to converse and hang out with them. and i definitely plan to, that's for sure.
school may not be so bad, after all.
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each day that passes makes me wonder when summer will arrive. the temperature has been rising progressively (although not steadily), and that familiar "clothes-sticking-to-the-back" feeling returns. nights are hard to bear without the fan on or the window open because of the humidity that builds up. the ac in the car will cease to stop as long as at least one passenger is present. the sun will constantly shine down, robbing us of the next shade we'll never find. but the beauty of it all is that it's the way of nature. besides, it's my favorite season. so i'm not complaining.
so summer shall be the topic of this entry. as the seasons revolve around, i begin to remember all these events that happened in years past. take for example, the summer of '92, i went back to japan and reunited with my relatives, only to be torn apart again. i remember crying my eyes out about it, being homesick and everything. now, it's this distant, pleasant memory. all things in the past, no matter how horrible it seemed at any given point, will turn to golden treasure in the near future. it took me so long to figure this out. but now that i have, everything is that much better.
i don't concur when some people say to, "forget the bad times, remember the good". i would like an explanation for that statement, because i find that rather difficult to do, if not impossible. life wasn't made out to be a smooth, pedestrian road. everyone has their bumps, cracks, stains, whatever you want to call them. without remembering the bad, how the heck are you going to remember the good? think of it this way: everything in this world is compared. it's sad, i know; everyone is compared to someone else, everything is compared to something else. one side will alwas look inferior compared to the other; it's just the only way for our hostile society to comprehend between "right" and "wrong", whatever those are. but see, without the bad, there is nothing to compare "good" with. wouldn't that mean we wouldn't know the difference between a great memory and a horrible one? personally, when i look back at my life, i want to be able to recall both the good and the bad.
to me, the memories of summer, though rough at the beginning, end up being incredibly great. i can't remember a single summer where, at the end of the season, i felt bad about the things i had done and the things i had experienced. each summer has brought so much color into my life, and i guess that's why it's my favorite season. there's a certain vitality in the summer months... i don't know what else to call it. it's a vibe of endless time, i guess. we kind of abandon time, in a sense. we live freely, unbound to deadlines, unaware of minutes or hours. it's not like i'm taking this time for granted, believe me... but it's nice to know that there's nothing due on monday, or that i have to be somewhere by any given time of day. the time just kind of tags along with you, and it's not the other way around like it usually is.
then, there's the nature part of this season. i really, truly like summer for its characteristics. the day seems so much longer. it doesn't matter if the sun is up or down; the fact is, the night stays young. it's a great feeling, just sitting around on a patio or something, doing nothing, in silence. night time is most beautiful during the summer. well, at least i think so.
i can't wait until summer arrives.
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daylight savings just passed, and spring is peeking its head from a corner nearby. might as well revise my site. besides, these colors match my other site.
i stayed up all night this morning. i didn't get an ounce of sleep, and that really irritates me because i have musical practice from 8-11am, then a party i'mhosting. i'm going to be sooo tired. i already am.
this spring break, i am busy. every morning is booked because of the musical (so obviously, i can't sleep in), tomorrow, i have a tutoring session (my student still cannot speak english), then perhaps an outing with my best friend. wednesday-friday is still vague, but i know that shopping and the beach are on the to-do list. i don't mind; i rather have something to do. but that means i really won't have any time to rest. so much for the "break" in spring break.
if there's one day from last week i'd want to mention here, it would be saturday (5th). i hadn't had that much fun in a while. drumline competition (finally) took place near san diego. our performance was the best we ever played it, but we got a penalty for overtime. we came in 3rd of 4. but don't worry; we'll show them at championships. just they watch. after that, we went to grab some munchies. late afternoon, we were on our way to some putt-putt golfing, then later that night, we went ice skating. wow, i haven't been on ice for a while. i missed it, too. it's been probably the first in 5 years since my last skating. it felt nice to be back. then, of course, a selected few ate a late, late dinner together at a friend's house. all was well, everything was good.
last week went by wonderfully; i wonder what this week will bring.
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you truly do learn something new everyday. and if you disagree, you're simply not looking close enough.
i learned tons of things today. there's school, of course. i went to my classes, listened to the teacher, did my work. i learned. but i also learned that i have a best friend who'll always be there for me, that converse shoes are so hard to shop for when the sizes you're looking for range from a men's 5 to a men's 11, that my little jap sister and i can actually converse in japanese, that i have to be at school tomorrow (saturday) by 7:30 am, that my lil' kuya is the greatest brother anyone could ever have (but he's mine). it's been a long day.
i've been out of it this past week. i've been excessively forgetful (not good). my mood swings from left to right in 5 seconds. i don't know what's up with me. i'm not really stressed; i just have a lot of things on my mind. other than that, i am really glad for the people around me. seriously, everything is starting to look up.
on a semi-different note, i just want to thank someone for always keeping me in line. without you, i don't think i'd be this composed. you correct me when i am wrong, praise me when i am right, and you yell at me. this may sound so interesting to some, but that's because you don't know how much i miss it. my parents used to nag at me constantly, to do this, that. it got so annoying that i enjoyed being boundless for a while. then, i started to realize that no constraints to bind me had taken its toll, so to speak. you came to me then. out of all the things you could have done, you did the best thing. i haven't heard someone complain and yell at me like that for a while. i enjoyed it.
and then today proved everything. it didn't matter what happened before, whatever. i doesn't matter. he spoke to me best in silence. i understood every word, and i appreciate that. i really do. thanks joe.
today's going to be a sequel of yesterday: long, busy, and hectic. i'm ready to tackle.
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stand here with me - creed
You always reached out to me and
helped me believe
All those memories we share
I will cherish every one of them
The truth of it is there’s a right way to live
And you showed me
So now you live on in the words of a song
You’re a melody
You stand here with me now
Just when fear blinded me
you taught me to dream
I’ll give you everything I am
and still fall short of
What you’ve done for me
In this life that I live
I hope I can give love unselfishly
I’ve learned the world is bigger than me
You’re my daily dose of reality
You stand here with me now
On and on we sing
On and on we sing this song
‘Cause you stand here with me
... wow.
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Wednesday, April 02, 2003
don't mind the time. this is actually my "alert hour"; i'm not the slightest bit sleepy.
by the way, yesterday (which ended a couple of hours ago) marked a significant date. it has been exactly one year since i have been to hawaii. i remember it well because of the loads of fun we had. my friends and i joked that we should make it a holiday. ahh, the good times...
i ate dinner out with one of my friends, and he mentioned the number three. this stuck out in my head, because that's about how many more months i have left as a high school student. everyone can't wait to jet off to college (hey, i echo that opinion), but at the same time, i'm a bit insecure. and there are many reasons as to why. it's pretty much self-explanatory.
on a happier note, spring break is heading toward us at lightning speed (or so i think). it starts next week, meaning that this week is full of tests after tests. once i clear the load of work i need to make-up, i'll be soaking up some sun at the beach. my friends and i are supposed to go someday during the week. shopping is also included on the to-do list; i haven't done that in a while.
this saturday, we have out first drumline competition (finally!). it's in san diego, so it's a bit of a drive. but with the lot of us high on adrenaline rushes, i think we're set. don't think any of us will be bored. musical practices are thrown in here and there (and everywhere)... it's a busy month to come.
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